Inside Thoughts

It has been a combination of many things really. Winter break came and went and I spent it all with family and friends.

Too busy to write.

Then school started and I needed to prepare and greet friends after the time away.

Too busy to write.

Next I realized that with the classes I am taking I may have zero downtime for anything and schoolwork has been piling up on me.

Too busy to write.

But recently I discovered that the greatest influence on this hiatus is not because I have been busy, because one can always find time to write, but that I don’t believe I can write.

I have always been more of a reader. I prefer reading other works than writing anything myself because I don’t believe I have anything of importance to write about or any talent to do so.

Recently, however, I have been inspired to write in spite of all my insecurities. I refuse to promise that I will write consistently though because as soon as I do that I will lose all desire to do so. So I will write when I need to, and hopefully this is more often, as the only way to improve your writing, is to continue writing. 

Typing in exchange for writing on paper is common now but sometimes I just need to put pen to paper in order to feel like saying anything at all. Which is what I did today. The following is a page of something I wrote, down, on a piece of paper. It’s relieving, almost like making something.

A hidden page. Amongst pages of work. A page of free thought and a stream of consciousness. I’m fucking screwed for writing except the thing is I don’t give a shit. It’s such a bullshit class when it shouldn’t be. If only I didn’t have such a bullshit teacher. Fucking cunt. If only I had been in V’s class. I’m sure I would be more stressed since I would be writing for him but at least I would want to write you know? I’m so tired of being here and being so unmotivated. People here know what they want to do. What am I doing? The most important thing to me is my family who I want to be with but instead I’m here. Doing who knows what. I wish I had the drive that my peers do. I want to want fantastic grades but I find myself next to apathetic when it comes to my G.P.A.. I’m trying to figure out whether this is because I have my priorities straight or because I don’t. Do you see what I mean? If someone other than me ever reads this, do me a favor and pass no judgement. Sometimes a person just needs to scribble every thought out in order to continue being sane. Or at least continue pretending to know what in the hell being sane is. We are all insane. Living to work instead of working to live; to make the most out of the time we are granted in this world. For now I will trudge along and hope that it all turns out right in the end. That’s all I ever really wanted anyway. To know that it will all be okay in the end…

In my previous post I mentioned how I dreamt of him. This caused me to think about him for the first time in a long time. All I thought of this was well that was strange. I haven’t seen him in months and well guess what happened today? Wow. Thanks Universe, aren’t you a great bitch.

You messed up. He snuck into my dream last night when I haven’t even thought of him in the longest time. Thinking of him with her no longer makes me cringe. We haven’t spoken in ages and I deleted his number just in case I ever got the urge to talk to him again. He doesn’t cross my mind anymore and yet my entire dream revolved around him. And he had brought her to some barbeque I was at and I had to meet her and of all things brain, you conspired to make her look incredibly ugly. And in the dream I find that he’s been flirting with other girls as he tends to do. He was trying to deny it while blatantly flirting with me. Why? I woke up confused and I sincerely hope that dreams are a way of filtering out the unnecessary. Because if not then my subconscious still keeps him, and her, and my jealousy. Consciously it’s all gone, well honestly, mostly gone. But very nearly all. So please, for my sake, make him as invisible in my dreams as he is in my reality.

Sincerely,

Suomynona

I’ve read somewhere that people may be connected in such a way that if you are thinking about them, there is the slightest possibility that they are thinking about you in that moment too. I cling to this and hope that it’s fact simply because if it’s not, then I must be the most pathetic girl on the planet. I realize that you’ve got her now and I’ve been over you for a while. So why does this still suck? I’ve gotten past thinking I still want you but I’m in this place of, I genuinely actually miss you. We talked every single day. For two years. We flirted, we hung out, we slept together, albeit, in the most innocent sense of the word. Was that where I messed up? Was I going too slow for you? It’s not like you were ever brave enough to make an actual move anyway, but I guess, neither was I. And then you found her and you began to ignore me. That was last spring but now, we never talk. I was okay with days passing before we spoke, then that became weeks, and now months. I don’t usually think about you except when I do, it fucking hurts. You knew a lot about me, too much. And I don’t just make friends like that for kicks. When I make a good friend I’m in it for the long haul. But I guess you weren’t. And the worst part is that I can’t help but to wonder if you ever think of me too. If you are ever with her and I cross your mind. Do you ever get this overwhelming desire to see me, text me, hang out with me again? Because I do but every single time I convince myself to set my phone down and resist the temptation. And it’s because you chose her and because you stopped talking to me and because your life is just peachy and mine is in shambles and because you won’t initiate it and I don’t even know if you’d like to. But anyway former friend, I didn’t mean to ramble, I just wanted you to know that I still think of you, and care about you (innocently), and I want you to want me to be your friend. But in all honesty I don’t think I could ever just be your friend.

Sincerely,

Suomynona

I can’t sleep because it’s too warm in here.

I can’t sleep because it’s too warm in here and a breeze has just started to make its way in.

I can’t sleep because it’s too warm in here and a breeze has just started to make its way in and I took a 3 hour nap today.

I can’t sleep because it’s too warm in here and a breeze has just started to make its way in and I took a 3 hour nap today and I’m reading a really good book.

I can’t sleep because it’s too warm in here and a breeze has just started to make its way in and I took a 3 hour nap today and I’m reading a really good book and I can see the moon from my window.

I can see it in the cheesiest way possible, straight from a movie type view.

It’s a fantastic bright white so perfectly visible from my window that I can see it’s spots and craters.

I’m wide awake and I can’t sleep.

And this moon reminds me of everything.

thegirlwithyellowhair:

and you broke my heart
without ever knowing it
was yours,

without ever knowing
you could’ve had every
last part of me.

I feel as if this is how mental illnesses are developed. I know I’m in good health but lately I can’t seem to express myself. I Just started school again and I’ve been relatively social but when I can, I close myself in. I prefer to be to myself than to be around a whole bunch of people. The socializing helps with releasing some of my everyday thoughts out of my head but I usually also write things down to release the rest. But recently this has become difficult for me. I come up with these things that I want to write down since my memory is awful but I can’t seem to. Right now is a break from this obviously but I know it’ll come back. It feels like a monsoon of thoughts in my head that are flying around so fast that I can’t even fathom writing them down. I think that’s my problem, they’re overwhelming me and life is overwhelming me and lately the limited time I have is overwhelming me. All of this mushed together? Isn’t that how people go mad? Too many disconnected thoughts and nowhere to put them? Hah, I don’t know, I think I’ll try to write something every other day, as an exercise to relieve some pressure.

4am is the perfect time for straight talk. No bullshit. I can walk around all I want and convince my friends I’m so sure of what I want but I will always know it’s a damn lie. I need to be real to myself as well, by sticking to my lies I almost manage to convince myself that they’re true. Of course I don’t want a relationship. I hate all of that mushy romantic crap. I never want to settle, can’t I just find a guy who will do me? The problem is I actually thought I believed these things, it wasn’t too difficult a task since they are half truths to begin with. So this post will be dedicated to truths. No lies:

I both do and do not want a relationship.

I do want to be involved with a guy who is as interested in me as I am in him.

I don’t want the typical relationship bullshit. I don’t want jealousy. I don’t want insecurity.

I do love some of that mushy romantic crap. Tell me sweet things. Make me believe you adore me. Yes I want flowers, you can skip the chocolate, just buy me some donuts.

I do hate a lot of that mushy romantic crap. Please don’t reuse the lines I’ve heard again and again. And NEVER purchase me a teddy bear or expect me to be overly affectionate in public.

I don’t want to settle… now. I could potentially see myself settling in the future but honestly, never witnessing a successful marriage puts a damper on the whole idea.

A friend of mine pointed out that I had said all I want is someone to do me. They told me they thought this was a lie, just fear. But honestly, it’s only partially true. Sure I would like to see what something deeper than infatuation might feel like but getting laid is important. And that sounds hilarious reading it back now but it’s not a lie that I would just love to have someone available for that. 

And no I don’t buy into that friends with benefits idea. I’ve seen the movies, I’ve gone through the scenes in my head, it doesn’t work out. I don’t believe (disregarding one night stands) that you can get physically involved with someone without there being any emotional attachment. Just being close to someone, especially that intimately, creates and strengthens an attachment. It all just gets too messy.

I guess what I’m finally concluding to is yes I don’t want to be alone forever. I do mind. I do want someone, but I have conditions. And too many standards… they need to be perfect for me. At the moment I am at this crossroads at deciding whether this is me being smart and protecting myself or this is me being picky and expecting too much. Holding out for a guy who will get me? Sometimes I feel deserving of that and other times I feel that they just don’t exist and I am being irrational. I don’t know. I blame the sleep deprivation.